Co-parenting is already a high-stakes challenge. But when the other parent consistently blames you for things they’re actually doing themselves, you're not just navigating miscommunication—you're managing projection.
This kind of dynamic isn’t just frustrating. It’s destabilizing. Especially when a child is caught in the middle.
In this post, we’ll unpack what psychological projection looks like in a co-parenting context, how it affects both parents and children, and how to protect your mental health—and your child’s well-being—when you’re raising a child with someone who cannot see their own behavior clearly.
What Is Psychological Projection?
Projection is a defense mechanism in which a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to someone else. Instead of processing guilt, insecurity, or shame internally, they externalize it—blaming others for what they cannot face in themselves.
In co-parenting, projection might look like:
- A parent who is emotionally volatile accusing you of being “unstable.”
- Someone who manipulates the child claiming you are the one playing mind games.
- A parent who chronically lies insisting you can’t be trusted.
Projection helps the projecting parent protect their ego—but it comes at a serious cost.
According to the American Psychological Association, projection is often rooted in unresolved trauma or rigid defense systems that prevent self-awareness or growth.
¹ https://dictionary.apa.org/projection
Why a Projecting Co-Parent Acts This Way
It’s tempting to assume the other parent knows they’re projecting, but in many cases, they don’t. Projection is often unconscious.
Common traits among chronic projectors in high-conflict co-parenting:
- Low distress tolerance: They have a hard time sitting with uncomfortable emotions like guilt, fear, or regret.
- Rigid self-concept: They may view themselves as “the good parent,” which makes it nearly impossible to admit fault without threatening their identity.
- Chronic insecurity: They feel emotionally threatened by your presence, especially if the child seems securely attached to you.
- Need for control: By shifting blame, they maintain a sense of dominance in the narrative.
Understanding why they behave this way doesn’t excuse it. But it can give you the clarity needed to stop trying to win arguments you’ll never win.
How This Behavior Affects the Child
Children learn emotional regulation and reality-testing through their caregivers. When one parent consistently distorts the truth, weaponizes blame, or forces the child into loyalty conflicts, it creates instability.
Short-term effects on the child may include:
- Anxiety or fear about “saying the wrong thing” to either parent
- Confusion about what’s real and what’s distorted
- Repeating negative statements they’ve heard from the projecting parent
Long-term effects can include:
- Difficulty forming trusting relationships
- Internalized guilt or identity confusion
- Inability to process conflict in a healthy way
Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows that exposure to parental conflict—even when not directly abusive—can increase a child’s risk of emotional dysregulation and long-term attachment issues.
² https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000454
How to Protect Yourself and Your Child
There is no “fix” for another person’s projection. But there are strategies that can reduce harm, clarify reality for your child, and safeguard your own mental health.
1. Stop Engaging in Circular Conversations
Projection thrives on reaction. The more you defend, the more the projector distorts. Limit communication to logistics, and keep it in writing.
2. Use Parallel Parenting, Not Co-Parenting
When collaboration is impossible, adopt a business-like model of parenting where each household runs independently. Use apps like Our Family Wizard to keep records clean.
3. Name the Pattern Privately—Not Publicly
Labeling someone as a projector to their face won’t land. But recognizing it privately helps you detach emotionally from the chaos.
4. Help Your Child Develop Emotional Literacy
Without talking negatively about the other parent, help your child name feelings, understand boundaries, and feel safe expressing confusion. Be the consistent, validating presence they need.
5. Document Everything
If the situation escalates to court, documentation becomes essential. Save messages, note behaviors, and keep a log of patterns. This isn’t vindictive—it’s protective.
Final Thought: You’re Not What They Say You Are
Being chronically mischaracterized can erode even the strongest parent’s sense of self. But remember: You’re not who they say you are.
You’re the one anchoring reality. The one showing up when it matters. The one offering safety, clarity, and love to a child stuck between narratives.
So let the projections fly. Let them call you what they need to, to avoid facing their own reflection. You have bigger work to do.
Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need one parent who refuses to abandon truth.